Something you HATE about yourself.
I didn't have to think about this much. Though there are a lot of things about me i'm not crazy about there is one thing that i truly do HATE: I have walls. Walls around my heart, my feelings, who i am... Not like dry wall, that you can just punch a fist through. Not even brick wall, so that if you really wanted to you could use a wrecking ball. Nope these are "007 secret-spy-eye-scanning-finger-print-analysis-steel-door- walls". I learned at a young age that as a preacher's family, you live in a glass house. So i put on my fake smile and started building walls.
Some walls are appropriate, i mean who doesn't hate that person who wants to tell you their life story within five minutes of meeting them?!? And how can you guard against hurt with out a little bit of security? But, i think i take it to the extreme.
I don't deal with the pain, i just bury it and make sure the wall covers it. That makes it impossible to let people in, because they'll see all that hurt that i've been trying to hide from myself. This causes huuuuge problems in all of my relationships, especially with my friends. They never know how i'm feeling. I often wish that i could share (everyone needs friends to lean on) but i am to afraid to let my walls down. I have lost too many friends because they felt like i wasn't opening up... Thank God for my Husband!!! Anyone else would have given up a long time ago. I remember we had been dating about six months when Silas pointed out we were hitting a wall. He said that he loved me but he felt like i was keeping him at a distance. It was a long road, and we even broke up because of it, but finally i let Silas past the walls. If I hadn't i'm sure i would have lost him for good.
Man, that was hard to admit :( and sort of depressing!!! but that's why i did this! It's like therapy to face the truth :)
Do you have this problem? Know someone who does? I would love to hear what you have to say! and if you need someone to talk to i'm here :)